Monday, November 26, 2007

Things that made me sad

Here are a few things that have made me sad recently:

It was good to be home, and I left. I just packed my bags amidst my family members moaning "don't go"s and "why do you hate us"s and left. Airplanes wait for no man.

I went to a place called Flatbreadz because it looked like it had some pretty good sandwiches. But I was in an airport. In Las Vegas. The prices. Yeah. Made me sad.

I read up on the blogs, since I haven't in a while, and one of them made me extremely sad.

I didn't know about a time zone change that got mixed up in all my travels, and I gave some wrong info to a lady that asked me for some correct info. And I landed in Salt Lake later than I thought I would. Sad.

I came to the realization that the hardest part of the semester is still forthcoming.

I looked at the new White Ninja comic strip and was delighted! Then I realized I have to wait 2 more days to see a new one. That was definitely saddening.

I floundered in the misty sea, but could not abide its mystery. I wound up sad, you bet.

I stayed up late and was sad to wake up early.

Why would I leave a happy place like [hometown] and voluntarily come to [name of university] to subject myself to another month of [plural standardized unit of weight] of homework and projects? Am I [derrogatory adjective] or something?

To end on a happy note, I bought chicken strips at Smith's!

Monday, November 19, 2007


Heck, I can finish up the semester without poking my organs out with a pitchspoon. Heck!

Heck, I can feel a sense of accomplishment amidst a torrent of mediocrity. Heck!

Heck, I can eat whatever I want! Heck!

Heck, I can see your undies! Heck!

Heck, these baked beans are spoiled! Heck!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

It has new game!

There was a nice computer game advertised on a while back called "Where's An Egg?". The game allowed you to speak to a hand ful of people, but all you could do was ask them about specific items or people that you had seen before, and their responses were limited to pictures of people, things, or places. you have three bullets and you have to shoot the person who has the egg. It's an astonishingly tricky game. It's an astonishingly great game.

Life is like Where's an Egg?. We all wander around, asking vague questions that generally refer to things, places, or people we've seen. They respond with fuzzy images of other people, places and things, and we eventually find an egg.

Ok, life is nothing like Where's an Egg?, but there are days when I wish it was. I haven't had one of those days for years.

Here's a video of Iraqi recruits trying to do jumping jacks. If you have any milk on hand, drink some, watch this video a couple of times, and blow the milk out your nose as forcefully as you can.

Who's your favorite? I think mine is the guy on the far right.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

And another thing

As I sat in the Data Center last night, I saw employees' shifts end, and I watched as they shouted a general "have a good night!" to those poor saps who had to stay later than they. Their well-wishing was always answered with a "you too" or "aight" or "U2" from those of us who were staying. Well, 3:00 rolled around, and my backup was complete, so I grabbed my stuff and spat out a "have a good night!" to 3 remaining employees. I was met only by silence, from a stone-faced, computer-screen-watchin' threesome. For the entire length of the many halls leading to the data center's exit, I muttered about how they had better have a SHIZZY night.

"Man, that was one shizzy night!"
"Yeah, it'll be hard to top the shizziness of that one."
"There was just so much shizzy shiz!"
"Yeah, man. Yeah."
"I feel like I need a shower!"

I secretly hoped that there were cameras and microphones all along the hallways.

A likeness

Once a big pack of saltine crackers named Barf went to town and met lots of moist mouths. Aah! Moist mouths! Barf was fortunate enough never to be caught by any of the moist mouths. He never got caught. Ever. But one day he did! A moist mouth thought to moisten one of Barf's precious crackers, but the tables quickly turned when the cracker dried out the moist mouth! In amazement, the moist mouth coughed, spewing microscopic bits of the cracker(that were somehow still dry!) all over the pizza parlor. The rain of salt and carbohydrates was a monument to Barf's momentary victory. But now Barf was one cracker down!

Some days I feel like Barf.
Some days I feel like a freshly de-moistened mouth.
And some days I feel like the pizza parlor.
And pop reality shows make people stupider.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Alan's next adventure?

I've heard from more than one person that there are programs and templates out there that allow any ol' average Joe to make a comic strip like unto mine. I assure you that all(read: both) of Alan's Adventures were painstakingly created pixel by pixel using MS paint(among other things).

I tell ya, though, it sure discourages me from making any new adventures, because I COULD be using a comic strip creator. I wanted to create something unique and not-easily-creatable. Maybe I could switch to montages?

People tend to write things that have happened on their blogs. Here is something that has happened:

I threw down fifty bucks at that grocery store! I've never spend so much on groceries!

Note that if your finger slips while typing BLOGGER you may accidentally type BOOGER.

Not a big deal

If I treat a waaaaay overdue post like a big deal, then I'm surrendering to the idea that people have been long expecting one. So this is just a placeholder. It's the hammer that you throw into the ocean before you hit the water so that the surface tension doesn't kill you. In my next post, I'll have already broken the sabbatical, so it won't be a big deal. Just another post. As for now, here's a picture I whipped up specifically for this post.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Twocan Sam!

After hearing mixed reactions to Alan's first adventure, I feel the need to mention that it really is a true story. I'm sick of celebrities and I'm not going to talk about them. Go to someone else's blog for that. I can't guarantee anything. Forget it.

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." - Woody Allen

Click on it for bigger, more adventurous viewing! Click on it!!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Alan's first adventure!

Introducing the adventures of Alan! In his debut episode, we see Alan in a true story of when he built up enough courage to call a girl up! Names have been changed.

Click the image for bigger, more adventurous viewing!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Law of Forsythe

Forsythe knew what he was talking about.

I was reading Cannon's blog and realized that I am entirely unable to produce readworthy words. So the least I can do for the 3 people that read my blog(you know who you are. I know who you are.) is provide some helpful information that could easify and reduce their tedious daily errands.

Information I could provide and the work I am saving people by providing it:

1. The inside scoop on what I think about people -- purchasing and planting spy cameras, mikes, and other reconnaissance shiz, plus all that wasted time sorting through the irrelevant information

2. Definitions to common yet confusing or unknown words -- embarrassment in everyday conversation, all that time sifting through an actual dictionary

3. Spice garden tips -- years of research and experience

4. These are all terrible ideas -- yeah

5. Occulent history facts and inspiring passages of text that make you want to be a better person -- a visit to Council Bluffs' blog

6. A picture of us when we went to the theater to watch Ocean's 13 -- wild card!! None of you even knew that you wanted to see it!

I may be on to something.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Some crap I learned

adapted to nature-based metaphors:

1. Bears scratch their backs on tree bark because it's abrasive. Trees can be as abrasive as they want, but it'll only make bears want to scratch their backs more.

2. There's just no pleasing some people. I mean... flowers.

3. Ugly butterflies still get to eat... whatever butterflies eat. Butterfly Food Distribution Units (BFDU's) don't look at the butterflies that are eating the food and withhold it.

4. Bears eat beets.

5. Possums play dead to make other animals think they're dead. But there has to come a point with some animals where they realize that the possums aren't dead at all; that's just how they communicate "go away don't hurt me!"
5a. Same with birds. They fluff their feathers up to look bigger. I know they're not any bigger, but I also know they would say "I'll peck your eyes out if you take one more step" if they could talk.
5b. This has a lot of applications!

6. When humans get whipped cream up their nose, it doesn't come out.
6a. And it starts to smell awful.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Imagine my joy

I saw some ugly birds today. I decided that they could only be uglier if their heads looked like Hugh Grant.

ring around the rosie
a pocket full of posies
aw shiz
aw shiz
we all fall down.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Things That Matter vs. Stupid Stuff

I'm blogging right now instead of sleeping. Blogging matters less than sleep.

I have to wake up tomorrow and get going on a bunch of stuff that matters. Then come home and do stupid stuff.

Classes matter too. But stupid stuff is more fun.

I was cleaning today and I found an item made by a person at a time when I thought it mattered.

It was a cd. And I thought it mattered. A bunch of stupid stuff replaced the stuff that mattered.

Stupid stuff sucks.

Matter is relative. What matters to one person is stupid stuff to another. Everything that matters to me is stupid stuff to someone else. Guaranteed.

Some things matter so much that I don't care who thinks it's stupid stuff. They matter.

Matter is absolute. Here's a shout-out to all those who do things that matter, even if others see it as stupid stuff. Whoop whoop.

Stupid stuff is stupid though.

If I had a prosthetic leg I would try to trick people.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Things that suck

The current count is at 5,633. Wow! A lot of things suck!

A few select items:

Smelly apartments
Not liking what everyone else likes
Getting clean things dirty
Making dirty things clean

that spells SNGMUR. That, rearranged, spells MR. GUNS. And that's me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

it's summa tam

Summary bits:

I learned the word "pile" from apartment 7 sometime. I thought it was weird, but now I feel like one. I've been a pile so far this summer. And it has been great.

Great picture bits:

Quote bits:

"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Wednesday, May 2, 2007


Things that mystify me, given in complete sentences, followed by poetry:

- Some things make no difference until they change.
- I think that some things will make a difference when they change, so I keep them from changing, but they wouldn't actually make a change, even if I let them.
- I'm a grown-up and I can make my own decisions, like going and getting Chinese food whenever I want.
- Not a complete sentence: Wanting to do things, but not ever doing them, thus showing that I don't actually want to do them.
- Sometimes I miss things that weren't that great. Nostalgia isn't just remembering the past, it's remembering a perfect past.
- I say "like" too much.
- Artificial credibility and faked confidence are NOT REAL. But they're valid in a few situations. Not all situations. And many situations that might seem to qualify actually don't.
- I can't even control what I say.
- I can't even control what I say!!
- How much of what I do and work on now will matter in fifty years?
- Ten years? Five?
- Tomorrow?
- Things that seem to be a constructive and good use of time may actually be a waste.
- A waste! That's a strong word!
- Classes are over and I didn't fail any of them!
- Not one!
- I'm probably wrong about most people I know.
- I should have said shfifty years.

Once I found a shiny pearl,
Inside an oyster shell.
But then the oyster ate it up,
And I was all, "oh well."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Shiz to ten

On a scale from shiz to ten:

How hard my classes were: ten
How hard I worked to get good grades: ten
What I have to show for it: shiz

How great is:
: ten

I command everyone to go there and play Doodle.

How good jelly beans are: ten
How good I feel right now: nine
What's missing: one
Ten or not ten: ten
How much I wish I could go to Council Bluffs: ten
How much I AM going to Council Bluffs: ten
How much I like mayonnaise: shiz
How finished I am with classes: eight
How finished I am posting senseless shiz: ten

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Kyle, Alan, Cannon, Council Bluffs

1. The order in which we would die if a nuclear bomb went off at Moon apartments

2. People who live in PP8 who look like Kyle, from most to least, not counting basketball players or jedis.

3. What KACCB stands for.

Friday, April 13, 2007


Here's proof of my last post. It's a friday afternoon, I have to do some homework, my desk is messy, and I feel just fine! I'm not commonly all melancholy and crappy like that.

from finance class:

What do you call a deer that doesn't have eyes? no-eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no-eye deer.

Why so leashed a-shankin'?

a. Gummi ball
b. Bridal shower
c. on his eats o' kankin'
d. hats are showin'

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Often, I don't feel like writing anything on a blog because my thoughts are commonplace and therefore dull. Sometimes I have groundbreaking thoughts, or at least they seem to have groundbreaking potential, and I like to think them, but they typically show up late at night, when everyone gets a little bit reflective and even contemplative, and nobody has time to write in a blog. But that's okay, because I don't think those thoughts or feel those feelings for more than a fraction of a day at a time, so I should be writing those dull, usual thoughts in order for my words to be consistent with what actually and more often goes through my head. The majority of the time, I'm just fine. Or at least I'm too stressed about school to worry about anything else. And since I hate wordy blog posts, here's what I just said in easier-to-read format:

(Each sentence simplified:)
I'm a boring kid.
I can think of cool crap to write, but I'm usually too tired to.
So I'm more boring than interesting.
I'm fine!
School sucks!

And now here's a grand summary of those five sentences:

I suck and so does school.

One-word summary: suck.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Things that are great and where

The slushes are great in Tucson.

The sounds are great in a 12-string guitar.

The photos are great at

The jelly beans are great in my stomach.

The woes are great in the conference room in my head.

The expectations are great in my book.

Ok, this was just a vessel to get that website out there. It's great.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Time for a new carpet

Here, Gavin has just pulled up the carpet from our apartment. On this same day, Jared become another year older and another year wiser.

Oh the symbolism!

Here's Cannon and me, lifting cereal boxes:

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I need to do laundry again

I have a lot of homework too.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

March forth on March 4th!

Parking lot fun!

Two highlights from today's walk through the parking lot:

What do you get when you cross P-dub and GWB?

I'm not a big gun-rights activist; I just think it's a great analogy.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Monday, February 26, 2007

The cake!

Here we stumbled upon a standard, rectangular Funfetti cake. What should we do?

 we started to frost it.

It was Arizona's
that day.

Ying!! One of us hates this picture.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Why I got a blog

Because of people like this:

Once I learn how to upload videos, I'll definitely post the Dancing White Guy.

Two Thanks!

thanks thanks